So I Got My Vagina Tightened

Apr 25, 2016


As a beauty and wellness writer I’m introduced to the latest and greatest, cutting-edge anti-aging and rejuvenating technology on a daily basis. When I got wind of ThermiVa, I perked the heck up. Or should I say, my vagina did.

Any woman who has carried children knows the havoc our offspring has caused on our bodies. While the body can miraculously bounce back, (more of a shuffle in most cases), the spoils of war so often remain forever in tack: stretch marks, saggy, deflated boobs, hemorrhoids, spider veins, melasma, etc. The list goes on. Most of these battle scars remain nicely hidden, tucked within the confines of those skinny jeans we finally fit back into. But one belly laugh at a Louis C.K. joke or dash for a stroller on a loose, and you’ve peed everywhere.

RELATED: Why Kegels Haven’t Stopped You From Constantly Peeing Yourself

Alas, the pelvic floor muscles, once a stoic dam between your pee and a world of mortification, is now just a distant memory. And remember that cute little vagina that didn’t send your Brazilian waxer running to hang up her Popsicle sticks? Well that little girl is now wearing a monocle and knitting a cat sweater in a rocking chair.

When I heard that there was an easy, peasy, no surgery, no downtime treatment that can perk that tired party girl up in less than 30 minutes guess who said, “Sign my vagina up!”? Yours truly. And you thought Gwyneth was the only bitch dabbling in post-modern vagina care. ThermiVa arrived on the scene months ago and I was now kicking myself for not having hopped on the bandwagon earlier.

When I got to the doctor’s office, a very lovely, pretty young nurse named Sarah was in full charge of my vagina. She had done it herself (all the women in the office had and raved about it) and even though she was quite young and had never had kids, she loved the immediate results and so did her husband. Bud-dum-bum.

My waxer always used to say my vagina was “very organized” and “looked 18,” but this girl looked like she was yet to be Bat Mitzvahed.

ThermiVa, in the most layman terms (I’m no doctor, in case that’s not obvious), uses heat to boost collagen and create tightening. So yes, everything inside tightens up. This means, buh-bye bladder leakage and hello better sex and more lubrication. After Sarah explained it all to me to me in detail, I knew my vagina was in good hands. We were both happy and excited. Me and my vaj, that is.

I hopped onto a table just like I was getting a pap smear. After I straddled up, we took some vagina selfies. Actually, Sarah did. It was the first time my vagina posed for a close up. Not surprisingly, she wasn’t camera shy. After a child or two is pulled out of your pee and sex hole, you soon realize that you give zero fucks who sees what anymore.

(Wow, have you ever taken a close up of your vagina? I don’t recommend it, unless you’re about to get it a ThermiVa. I was mesmerized and semi-traumatized. A vagina is a hell of a lot of anatomy. For all the hot minutes I entertained the notion that I was finally sick of men and would make a really cute lesbian, it was now totally off the table.)

Sarah explained what I would feel: Some warmth while she gently massaged a soft wand and some gel deep inside my vagina for 12 to 14 minutes. After that, she would use the same wand and gel and do the “outside.” Um, what’s the problem officer? My only question, “How soon can we get this vagina party started?”

Sarah inserted the wand and the rest is history. Suffice to say, this was the easiest and most relaxing treatment I’ve ever had in the name of youth. I’ve had lasers, peels, IPLs, fraxels, Ulthera, ThermiLift, PRP and lord knows what else in the name of science and to bring my Groomed LA readers the cutting edge information they crave. This was like the best hot stone massage ever, only for my inner and outer lady parts. The only hump standing between you and a redefined lady lump, is overcoming any vagina stigma you may have.

Once I was there and in the skilled hands of a professional like Sarah, I was totally relaxed and excited to get going, especially after seeing the before and after photos. Wowza. All I can say is my vagina is like a Michelangelo sculpture compared to some of those. We had some good some laughs (sans the pee) because let’s face it, this was the first time there’s ever been a gorgeous woman massaging my vagina with a smooth, warm wand. At least that I can remember.

Before I knew it, I was done. We took an “after” close up and wow, my vagina looked like she just came back from a 10-day juice fast at Canyon Ranch. My waxer always used to say my vagina was “very organized” and “looked 18,” but this girl looked like she was yet to be Bat Mitzvahed.

This was only my first treatment and Sarah said it will go back to looking a bit more “normal” mid-month. That’s when I am due back for two more sessions, spaced one month apart. I haven’t been this excited to get naked and spread my legs for someone I hardly knew since I was in college.

My first question was “When can I have sex?” She said “tonight!”

I couldn’t wait for Manboy X to test drive this newer, slicker model. We were all ready to go until my 5 1/2 year old son crawled into my bed and refused to get out. I tried everything and decided to wait until he was in a deep sleep to move him back into his bed. But I was so exited to try this new vaj out, I could hardly wait that long.

“We can do it in his bed!”

“Hell no, I’m not doing it in your son’s bunk bed. That’s totally disgusting.”

We cracked up at how ridiculous it all was and decided to hold out for another night. The good news so far is, I no longer had to hold in the pee.